it sux. i just wrote a big blabbin post and then my computer crashed. oh well. i suppose it would have been more downer stuff.

I wish i could be happy again. I haven't been happy in a while. I used to have such a happy view on life. somehow, i got sucked into the world of competition and when i got there, i changed. i dont work well with competition. i dont wrok well when i have to compare myself with others. i have to either be on top, or my sense of self worth is totally crushed. or something. i guess that is a problem with mathematics, there is too clear a right or wrong answer. there is a good and a bad, and there is a best. there isn;t really just a different.

anyhow, ive been walking with this damn fog around me lately. i wish it would dry up, clear away, and i wish i could improve my visibility. it has physical components too. like right now, the area behind my left shoulder has some tension in it. basicly the fog is this: i feel like noone likes me.

and i feel like those who do like me, like me for the wrong reasons.

and what are the right reasons? well, to like me for me. but i guess the truth is, im not really worth liking. i guess this is my own view point anyhow. i dont really feel like i am worth liking. i guess i dont like myself. sooo....when i do find someone who likes me, i question their judgement. If they like me, they have bad judgement. I dont like people with bad judgement, so i dont like them.

heh. something like that anyhow.

how did such bad circular logic get ingraned in my way of being? it sux.