I feel so alone.

Qigong is not responding to me. Well, he sort of is, but not in the way that I want. He replies to my emails but only writes a line or two. I call him but he is never home. I feel like he is avoiding me. I don't want to be avoided. I want to be treated like a human. I don't like being just brushed aside when things don't go as planned.

Apparently qigong is spending lots of time at his mother's house. This bother's me. It bothers me becuase now i feel like anything that was between me and him is now between me and him and his mom, and really, now between him and his mom and not me and so i now feel betrayed.

I'm just digging myself into a hole here.

I'm going to cry.

If qigong read this, all he would see is accusations towards him. I suppose they are accusations towards him, but underneith it's really a cry for sympathy and understanding. I want to be understood. I want him to understand. understand. aghhhhh!!! I know he wont understand. I'm sooooo lonely though.

Its funny...I've never fought in a relationship so much as I did with qigong. I feel like he doesn't even try to understand my point of views. And after all this fighting, he gets upset because I called our relationship mediocre? I dont get it. Am I supposed to pretend it's not mediocre, and tell him this so HE can feel like everything is all perfect? I dont want a perfect relationship anyhow, whatever that is. I supposed I do have an idealized model in my head, but I certainly don't expect it to occour after two months.

Crap, and all this avoidance of his is fustrating.

I'm so fustrated. It turns into anger.

I don't know what to do.

sigh, tears.

i dunno what to do. i really dont expect any sympathy form anyone reading this. people probably think im a big jerk. people probably think qigong is sooooo nice to me and im being stupid and snobby and spoiled or something. qigong WAS nice to me, but not in the way that filled the void. it filled the void superficially, but the heart was getting neglected.