Fringe benefits?
One common theme throughout my life is my tendency to be on the fringe of social circles. Family, friends, any group I participate in, I feel like I am not a full member. Whether this is true or just my perception or a self fulfilling prophesy I don't know. Much of it is probably in my head, but not entirely. In my head example: the #room! Actually, this is one of the few places I do feel comfortable but even still, I feel a little like a fringe member. However, knowing that it is a place for shy people, I'm pretty aware that is in my head. A not in my head example: my job. I really do think I am out of place there and I'm really struggling with how to deal with it.
Good or bad? Does this make me a loner? I don't know. I do like the fringe benefits. I like the freedom. We all seem to have turning points in life and I clearly remember one from my freshman year in high school. I was in the marching band and several other freshman started to hang out together. There was 3 females, one of whom I didn't much care for (she didn't know that) who was a super extro. I was walking somewhere with the three of them and the super extro said something to the effect of "it's us four", implying that we were a group that hung out together all the time and then the "clique" siren went off in my head. I was not going to be part of a clique and I could just see my life being stifled, especially by people I didn't really like much in the first place! So, I actively tried not to be too cliquey with them although I still did hang out with them on occasion.
I don't like bringing parts of my life together. I don't like family and friends to mingle. I don't like friends to mingle with friends. It scares me. I can create enough drama without a group, but, I do yearn for a larger group of friends, that I enjoy the company of. I know it exists. I can see them around me (groups that I would like to be a part of but don't jive with). There is a group from HS that would have been nice to been friends with. There is a dive bar group that seems nice. But then, they are nice. I am a strange girl who pushes boundaries, who can be sexually deviant, who can be dramatic, who fights bouts of depression, who is fat, who overcompensates when she socializes. I don't need to ruin other people's nice lives with my problems.
One common theme throughout my life is my tendency to be on the fringe of social circles. Family, friends, any group I participate in, I feel like I am not a full member. Whether this is true or just my perception or a self fulfilling prophesy I don't know. Much of it is probably in my head, but not entirely. In my head example: the #room! Actually, this is one of the few places I do feel comfortable but even still, I feel a little like a fringe member. However, knowing that it is a place for shy people, I'm pretty aware that is in my head. A not in my head example: my job. I really do think I am out of place there and I'm really struggling with how to deal with it.
Good or bad? Does this make me a loner? I don't know. I do like the fringe benefits. I like the freedom. We all seem to have turning points in life and I clearly remember one from my freshman year in high school. I was in the marching band and several other freshman started to hang out together. There was 3 females, one of whom I didn't much care for (she didn't know that) who was a super extro. I was walking somewhere with the three of them and the super extro said something to the effect of "it's us four", implying that we were a group that hung out together all the time and then the "clique" siren went off in my head. I was not going to be part of a clique and I could just see my life being stifled, especially by people I didn't really like much in the first place! So, I actively tried not to be too cliquey with them although I still did hang out with them on occasion.
I don't like bringing parts of my life together. I don't like family and friends to mingle. I don't like friends to mingle with friends. It scares me. I can create enough drama without a group, but, I do yearn for a larger group of friends, that I enjoy the company of. I know it exists. I can see them around me (groups that I would like to be a part of but don't jive with). There is a group from HS that would have been nice to been friends with. There is a dive bar group that seems nice. But then, they are nice. I am a strange girl who pushes boundaries, who can be sexually deviant, who can be dramatic, who fights bouts of depression, who is fat, who overcompensates when she socializes. I don't need to ruin other people's nice lives with my problems.
6 Comments:
Apricots.
or something.
I don't think you're a fringe member of #room. I don't know if my view comes from the time that I "found" it, but I guess since you were there before I was, I think of you as more belonging there than I do (for whatever that's worth :-P)
Other people's lives aren't nice.
let them decide rather than deciding for them
I'm a fringe member of sanity.
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