Dammit. I have an insecurity and I don't know how to shake it. Its not always apparent; it cycles from mild times to severe times, but its always lying at the heart of who I am. It's an insceurity that results in alot of distrust for people, people who could potentially be wonderful friends.

The insecurity is that on some level I feel worthless. I feel that the quality of who I am is so paltry that people will not consider me worthy of friendship and companionship.

I question why people do "nice" things. I question why people seem to like me. I usually dont believe them. I usually assume they aren't telling me the truth. I asume they are being nice to me because they are humoring me. I assume that they act like a friend becuase they are too much of a wimp to proclaim their true feelings for me. Or I assume they are nice to me exclusively because I am female and they are male.

Backing up, I really do know from a rational standpoint this is not true. I am a quality human being from many perspectives and I certainly have enfough worth that some people will find me sufficent material to be a good friend. I also can rationally see where these insecurities stem from. The failure to be succesfully integrated with my peers as a fat, shy, and funny looking kid; a very strict babysitter who had me under her thumb, never trusting me to be good on my own; and parents in a looming divorce, hardly ever considering me in the midst of their heated arguments.

None of this helps me cope with the problem I have. All it does is provide me a deeper understand of what the probelm is, but the actual soultion, the actual removal of insecurity and doubt is an operation that seems almost impossible to me.