It is 12:53 and I have a class in 30 minutes. 30 minutes and I guess I will write something. I am not very good at communication with words. I never know what to say and I hate ruining a moment with my voice or some stupid thing I said.

Life has been pretty good recently, mostly because of the romance that is in my life at the moment. I certainly don't expect it to last forever, and I imagine he will eventually get bored with me, but for right now, its wonderful. Except for a few issues here and there. Such as, he is 30 years older than me and I feel like I have to hide him from my parents, and they will not approve. Or they will be uncomfortable with him. Also, there is the age difference itself and the issues it brings. I am a 28 year old, and I admit, I act like one. I have the limited life experience of a 28 year old, the emotions of a 28 year old, the immaturity and insecurity of a 28 year old. I imagine that eventually that can get annoying and boring after awhile, although I'm sure my youth makes him feel younger. I would also like children. It is something that I think about almost every day, and I am plagued with. I know I am still young, but there is always those "what ifs". What if this relationship DOES work out?? What does that mean for me and my desire to have children (he is unable to have children)?


Hm...school. I guess I can go through the list. School is school. A bit of a pain, but I'm getting through. Working 22 hours a week and taking 3 classes is really doing a number on me. My grades are slipping, but what the hell, its okay. I'm trying to let go of that as something that defines me and gives me security. This is my life right now and I want to be happy now. If that means dancing the night away on a Wednesday night instead of doing an extra hour of studying, so be it. I probably wouldn't do it anyhow.

I really should write more. Just to break out of myself, and not be so internal and be okay with what goes on in my mind.

Work is okay. I have been there for about 6 weeks now. My boss is female and I think she she was really judgmental of me in the beginning. I think and hope she is finally warming up to me now. We are pretty awkward around each other, not to mention the fact that I just don't get along with women very well in general.

Speaking of which, I am starting a support group next Wednesday. Interpersonal relations. I guess it is a continuation of the therapy I was getting at school...I've used up all my sessions tho so I can't get one on one help any more. Im a little scared about the group thing, but I think it will be good. There will be 10 people, 7 of which are female (ak!). Scary scary women. Scary judgmental women. Well, I just gotta talk, be myself, and ya. Practicing talking in real life. God, its scary just thinking about it right now.

Hmmm. Okay for awhile there I was reading a book called 'From Panic to Power" ...I didn't read the whole thing, but there were a few things I picked up from it. Like those of us with anxiety can tend to be controlling and perfectionists(which doesn't mean you come across as perfect...its more about personal expectations). So..I'm trying to be aware of when I am controlling...doing stupid things to keep my anxiety from getting out of control...

..I'm just rambling here...sorry if my thoughts are not coherent....damn I thought something then I forgot it. Okay I leave here for now with my fragmented thoughts.