Okay. I feel a small need to talk about a part of my childhood. This is my blog dammit. I can talk about whatever I fucking want, right?
Well, I know there are some of you out there that feel like you can change a behavior just by saying to yourself "this behavior is bad and I will not do it anymore" and then you change it. This attitute pisses me off. Maybe for some behaviors this is true. But this is not as easy as you make it out to be. This trivializes a problem that is really quite deep. "So you were beaten as a child. get over it." fuck you.
From the time I was 2 months old to about the age of 11, every day, before and after school I went to the house of a babysitter. she was an eldery, very religous, very strict black woman. during the time i was there, she babysat from about 2 to 8 kids at any one time. most of them were her grandkids. me and my brother were like the the only two white kids. i think there may have been a time where she babysat another pair of white kids, but it was pretty rare. ( i dont mean to cause segregation here or say one race is better than the other, its just that i felt really different, and i think i may have been treated differently too. ) actually, now that i think about it, i think i felt like a really awkard, dorky white girl.
anyhow, the babysitter was really repressive. authoritarian. a dictator. we had to ask to do *anything*. we had to ask to even go to the bathroom. we had to ask to go outside. we had to ask if we could sit on the couth. we had to ask if we wanted to change the TV channel. we had to ask if we wanted to eat something. if we didnt ask, if we did something against her will, if we did something that upset her, she would threaten to hit us. "Don't make me get my belt," she would say. She had a belt she kept in a drawer just for this purpose. Sometimes she would do it. It was horrible to hear the crying and screaming of the kids who were being punished. i was punished a few times. sometimes she would just tell us we had all been bad and punish us all, even if we hadnt done anything wrong as an individual. generally though, I was pretty good at being "good", so i didnt get hit as much as some of the other kids.
i dont think i ever told my parents about this. they seemed to really like her. they seemed to think her strictness was good for me or something. i dont think i could even tell my parents about this now. i guess i'd just rather let sleeping dogs lie.
Before the age of 9, I have very few memories. Is this normal? I suspect it is, although I must wonder if I am just blocking out the bad. At the age of 9, though, my parents finally divorced. I LOVED that my parents divorced. Its like when memories begin for me, when life began.
Before my parents divorced, my typical day went something like this:
*wake up in house where parents hated each other
*go to repressive babysitter
*go to school where kids teased me for being fat and quiet and hence stupid
*go back to repressive babysitters
*parents then picked me up at babysitters. went home to the work-a-holic dad and the depressed mom who never came out of her room.
hm. i dont write all this for sympathy or antyhing. i dont even blame the involved parties for anything (am i afriad to?). i just want understand or something. maybe im trying to really see that somehow i am worthy. i want self esteem. i want to feel worthy. i really want to see how my feelings of worthlessness are irrational. I know, i know it's obvious, but i cant see it. i can't feel it. I don't know. I hate feeling like I am inferior to everyone. hate it hate it hate it. i mean, why should i be worthy of any sort of happiness? why should i be worthy of the good things that happen to me? im just a trivial human being. im a nothing.
im not a depressed person. i just hate that i question all intentions. i hate that i question why anyone would like me. i hate that i avoid talking to people becasue i assume that they will eventually be disappointed with me.
i wish i could detach myself from these feelings. detach myself from this past and just be free to be and do what i want. i feel like im roped to this past and i cant cut it.
Well, I know there are some of you out there that feel like you can change a behavior just by saying to yourself "this behavior is bad and I will not do it anymore" and then you change it. This attitute pisses me off. Maybe for some behaviors this is true. But this is not as easy as you make it out to be. This trivializes a problem that is really quite deep. "So you were beaten as a child. get over it." fuck you.
From the time I was 2 months old to about the age of 11, every day, before and after school I went to the house of a babysitter. she was an eldery, very religous, very strict black woman. during the time i was there, she babysat from about 2 to 8 kids at any one time. most of them were her grandkids. me and my brother were like the the only two white kids. i think there may have been a time where she babysat another pair of white kids, but it was pretty rare. ( i dont mean to cause segregation here or say one race is better than the other, its just that i felt really different, and i think i may have been treated differently too. ) actually, now that i think about it, i think i felt like a really awkard, dorky white girl.
anyhow, the babysitter was really repressive. authoritarian. a dictator. we had to ask to do *anything*. we had to ask to even go to the bathroom. we had to ask to go outside. we had to ask if we could sit on the couth. we had to ask if we wanted to change the TV channel. we had to ask if we wanted to eat something. if we didnt ask, if we did something against her will, if we did something that upset her, she would threaten to hit us. "Don't make me get my belt," she would say. She had a belt she kept in a drawer just for this purpose. Sometimes she would do it. It was horrible to hear the crying and screaming of the kids who were being punished. i was punished a few times. sometimes she would just tell us we had all been bad and punish us all, even if we hadnt done anything wrong as an individual. generally though, I was pretty good at being "good", so i didnt get hit as much as some of the other kids.
i dont think i ever told my parents about this. they seemed to really like her. they seemed to think her strictness was good for me or something. i dont think i could even tell my parents about this now. i guess i'd just rather let sleeping dogs lie.
Before the age of 9, I have very few memories. Is this normal? I suspect it is, although I must wonder if I am just blocking out the bad. At the age of 9, though, my parents finally divorced. I LOVED that my parents divorced. Its like when memories begin for me, when life began.
Before my parents divorced, my typical day went something like this:
*wake up in house where parents hated each other
*go to repressive babysitter
*go to school where kids teased me for being fat and quiet and hence stupid
*go back to repressive babysitters
*parents then picked me up at babysitters. went home to the work-a-holic dad and the depressed mom who never came out of her room.
hm. i dont write all this for sympathy or antyhing. i dont even blame the involved parties for anything (am i afriad to?). i just want understand or something. maybe im trying to really see that somehow i am worthy. i want self esteem. i want to feel worthy. i really want to see how my feelings of worthlessness are irrational. I know, i know it's obvious, but i cant see it. i can't feel it. I don't know. I hate feeling like I am inferior to everyone. hate it hate it hate it. i mean, why should i be worthy of any sort of happiness? why should i be worthy of the good things that happen to me? im just a trivial human being. im a nothing.
im not a depressed person. i just hate that i question all intentions. i hate that i question why anyone would like me. i hate that i avoid talking to people becasue i assume that they will eventually be disappointed with me.
i wish i could detach myself from these feelings. detach myself from this past and just be free to be and do what i want. i feel like im roped to this past and i cant cut it.
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